Cats are mysterious creatures, so if you've ever wondered what yours would say if it could talk, you're not alone.
Some of what they would tell us is probably fairly easy to figure out. Requests for an unlimited supply of the best cat food in a range of flavors is a good bet, but maybe they'd also tell us that they'd appreciate us showing a little more gratitude next time they bring us a gift (also known as a dead bird).
We're sure there's plenty of thoughts swirling around in those bright brains of theirs. Here's our best guess at what our feline friends would say to us if they could talk.
Oh, and just so you can read easy, we've omitted the rather salty language we have a feeling they'd use!
32 things your cat would say if they could talk
1. Yes, I'm well aware of my name. I simply choose not to answer to it
Unlike dogs, cats are super independent by nature. While they don't understand words in the same way that we humans do, most are very familiar with the sound of their names. They simply choose to ignore it – unless they want something, of course!
2. Would it kill you to change the flavor of these biscuits every once and a while?
Are you guilty of dishing your kitty up the same dry cat food over and over again? If so, you're not alone. But your feline friend would probably be having words with you if they could talk – I mean, who wants to eat the same meal 365 days of the year?
3. I love you, but I need my space
Looking for new ways to bond with your cat? It sounds counterintuitive but if your feline friend could talk they'd tell you that one of the best ways to go about strengthening your relationship with them is to give them plenty of breathing space. They love you, but they love their solitude too.
4. Please stop cuddling me and put me down, I'm not a teddy bear
While the most affectionate cat breeds tend to enjoy a cuddle, or at least a good snuggle session on a warm lap, many of our feline friends do not enjoy being picked up and restrained. If your kitty tends to be averse to hugs, they'd probably tell you that they prefer to have all four paws planted firmly on the floor.
5. Excuse me but this litter box isn't going to clean itself
Unless you have one of the best automatic cat litter boxes, chances are you spend more time than you'd like scooping out poop. Of course, if you're anything like us, you may be guilty of missing a day here and there – something we can assure you does not go unnoticed by your cat. We have a feeling they'd have plenty to say about the state of their bathroom if they could talk.
6. I don't really like you, I'm just here for the food
Ouch. The truth can be brutal, can't it? But try not to take it personally. Yes, they may try and tell you that the only reason they live with you is to score an easy meal twice a day, but we have a feeling there's a little more to it than that.
7. Okay, well maybe I like you a little bit. But don't let it go to your head
We knew it! Sure they may act aloof at times and despise our needy attempts to get them to reveal their love for us, but deep down (possibly quite deep) your cat really is quite fond of you. Just don't get all excited about it, okay? Act cool. Act cool.
8. Of course we can pretend you're in charge. More than happy to go along with your delusion
One of the worst things about owning a cat is the realization that it's our feline friend who calls the shots. Sure, we might look like the one in charge being bigger and capable of earning our own money and all, but that little pint-sized fluff ball runs the show...and don't they know it?
9. Worship me now or feel my wrath
There's no ignoring a cat who wants attention – especially if you happen to own one of the loudest cat breeds. Our feline friends may act aloof and independent for large chunks of the day but when they decide they want to be the center of your universe, you better sit up and pay attention.
10. Please just leave the faucet running and save us both some time
We often associate cats with hating water, but there are plenty of cat breeds that like water – particularly playing with it. If your kitty could talk, they'd tell you to remember that they lack the opposable thumbs necessary to easily turn the faucet on and off, so if you could just leave it running, that'd be a huge help.
11. I just bought you this dead mouse. A little thanks would be nice
Why does my cat bring me toys and other gifts like dead animals? To show you how much they love you. And here you are not even saying thank you for all their hard work. How rude.
12. It's cute how you think I knock things off the shelves by accident
When it comes to the most common daily thoughts of a cat owner 'why do you keep knocking things off my shelves?!' is high up the list. If your kitty could talk, they'd tell you they do it for sport. Yes, pure boredom. Simply to get a rise out of you. Annoying little creatures, aren't they?
13. About this dog thing? Yeah, it's not going to work out
Keeping the peace in a multi-pet household is no easy feat. Of course, if your kitty could talk they'd tell you there's a very simple solution to that problem – get rid of the new pet. Your pup may have only been in the house for all of five minutes, but your feline friend has already decided that sadly, these new living arrangements just aren't going to work out.
14. Welcome home. Here's a close up view of my butt
There are some things you only know if you're a cat owner – like just how much your kitty seems to enjoy showing you their rear end. Of course, if your kitty could talk, they'd likely tell you it's simply their way of letting you know they're happy to see you. But seriously, could they not go for something a little less gross – like a sweet head nuzzle, cuddle, or purr?
15. I may be showing you my belly right now, but touch it and I'll shred your hands to pieces
"Oh look at you rolling over and showing your cute little tummy. Let me give you a belly rub you adorable thing." Famous last words. Don't worry if you've fallen into this trap before, we all have. One minute you're thinking your feline friend is so yummy you could just eat them all up, the next minute you're rifling through your medicine cabinet in search of a band-aid.
16. It's been exactly 22 minutes since you last fed me. I am literally wasting away. Is that the grim reaper knocking at the door?
One of the first things on the agenda for debate is if your kitty could talk. Their meal schedule. No doubt you feed them perfectly adequate portions twice a day and yet according to them, they're starving. If they had their way, there'd be an open buffet that they could access 24/7, full of delicious biscuits, wet food, and the best cat treats money can buy.
17. Well you shouldn't have put the curtains up in the first place if you didn't want me to climb them
Cats love being up high, so it's little wonder that they have such a fondness for climbing curtains. It can be frustrating as a pet parent to find your curtains ripped to shreds, however, your kitty would be quick to defend themselves if they could talk – with their tantalizing fabric and movement, surely we humans should know better than to hang something so tempting. Thankfully, investing in one of the best cat trees can be a great way to offer your kitty those panoramic views without compromising your curtains.
18. I live here because you wouldn't survive without me
We like to think we're doing our cats a favor by giving them a roof over their heads, plenty of delicious food, and loads of love and affection, but let's face it, our feline friends have other thoughts going through their minds. They know that it's really them doing us a favor, because, let's face it, we wouldn't last two minutes without them. Of course, being the kind-hearted souls that they are, they let us think it's the other way around.
19. Wake up! I'm hungry and bored and want attention. I will stand on your face until you do as I demand
Boy oh boy is this one relatable. If you're a cat owner, then you're likely very familiar with your kitty bounding into your room at a seriously unsociable hour and pawing at your face until you get up and give them what they want. Which, half the time, is nothing at all – they were simply bored, and waking you up was a fun way to pass some time.
20. You know that expensive new toy you bought me? Just want you to know that I'm not a fan. That piece of string on the floor though is fantastic
Have you ever splashed out on one of the best interactive cat toys only to find your feline friend refused to play with it? Us too! And yet they'll spend hours playing with that old piece of string you left lying on the floor or that Amazon box you've been meaning to put out to the recycling – go figure.
21. I'm exhausted. I was up all night trying to wake you up so I'm just going to go and sleep in this really small and uncomfortable box for eight hours
Yes, you may have bought them one of the best cat beds money can buy, but chances are your kitty will choose to sleep in a box that's too small, a cold piece of floor, or your closet. If they could talk, they'd tell you it's because they were up all night harassing you and are now too exhausted to give much thought to where they put their head. They simply need to lie down. Immediately.
22. Why on earth do you insist on putting this gross wet stuff on my coat every month?
We know they hate it, but applying one of the best flea treatments for cats on a regular basis is important for keeping pesky parasites at bay. Our feline friends have no idea why we keep applying that awful wet stuff to the back of their necks, so it's probably one of the first things they'd ask us about if they could talk.
23. Would you please open the door? Open the door. OPEN THE DOOR. Oh, it's wet outside. Never mind
Unlike dogs, who tend to quietly sit and wait for their humans to announce it's time to head outside for a walk, cats are not so patient. In fact, when a cat decides they want to exit a room, you better jump to attention quick smart. Of course, half the time, the minute you open the door, they decide they're actually quite happy where they are but then, that's cats for you – always contrary!
24. I'm not sure I understand. You want me to use this scratching post? But there's a perfectly good couch right over there!
You may have invested in one of the best cat scratching posts money can buy, but your kitty is rather befuddled – why would you go and splash your cash around when there's a perfectly good couch corner that offers a wonderful vertical stretch? Honestly, humans, such strange creatures.
25. Yes, I know you're trying to work. What's your point?
When it comes to funny things cats do, sprawling across your laptop while you're trying to work is always a source of amusement. You may be trying to get things done, but in their mind, nothing is more important than giving them the affection and attention they deserve.
26. Put me in that outfit and I promise you that you will live to regret it
Have you ever tried to dress your cat up? If the answer is yes, we have a feeling it probably didn't turn out all that well for you. Cats have the most hilarious grumpy facial expressions and nothing displeases them more than being forced to wear any kind of clothing or accessory. When they shoot you a murderous look for dressing them up, know that if they could talk, they'd be telling you that they fully intend to seek their revenge when you least expect it.
27. Why would I drink that fresh water from my bowl when there's a dirty puddle outside?
Whether you have a pet water fountain or a regular cat bowl that you put water in, chances are you provide your feline friend with a fresh and clean water source. And yet for some reason, they'd rather drink out of that dirty puddle outside or enjoy your leftover shower water at the bottom of the bathtub. They may be adorable, but our feline friends certainly engage in some weird cat behaviors!
28. I cannot believe you just put me in the bath. What kind of monster are you?!
Do cats need baths? If you were to ask them, the answer would be absolutely not! After all, they're fastidious cleaners they'll have you know. However, there is the odd occasion where your kitty may need a helping hand on the grooming front – such as after an encounter with a skunk or if they've got themselves covered in mud. You know you're helping them, but if your feline friend could talk they'd be quick to tell you exactly what they think of you. Spoiler alert: You may want to cover your ears for this one!
29. Hey! I just buried that!
While it's not the most pleasant of jobs, cleaning out the litter box is one of those daily tasks that must be done. If you've ever done this just after your feline friend has done their business, the expression on their face is priceless. They've just gone to all that trouble to bury their poop and now you're digging it back up again? Talk about undoing their hard work!
30. I'm redecorating. You have no sense of Feng Shui
We really hope you're not too attached to your house plants because there's a good chance that at some stage, they will end up toppled over or dug up. Your cat's defense? They're simply helping you to redecorate, the energy in the room was just all wrong.
31. Would you like some help wrapping those presents?
"And by help I mean I'd like to sit on the wrapping paper, chew the ribbon, and make this job a million times harder than it needs to be."
32. If you insist on taking me to the vet you can rest assured that I will make getting me into my carrier as difficult as possible
Regardless of the soothing tones we tend to use, our cats seem to know they're off to the vet the minute they see their carrier. Getting a cat into a carrier is never the easiest of tasks, but we're sure they deliberately make it that much more difficult when they know they're about to be taken to their least favorite place in the world.
If you enjoyed this, you may also want to read: what dogs would say if they could talk
