Good equine care not only relies on a bank of horse knowledge but also experience and razor-sharp instincts. One of our top tips for taking care of a horse is to cultivate the ability to read the often subtle signs horses give and adjust their care to give them what they need. This could cover anything from altering their horse’s feed to maintain optimum weight and energy levels to opting for the best blanket to keep their horse at just the right temperature.
It’s worth noting that I’m talking about a horse’s needs, not wants. I know plenty of horses who’ll noisily kick their stall door if there’s any chance that’ll get them a hoped-for treat! But while horses communicate some things extremely clearly, it can be much trickier to detect if a horse is in pain or discomfort, or if they would benefit from a different bit, or a new type of bedding in their stall… the list goes on.
Lots of horse owners wish horses could simply tell them what’s up, so the PetsRadar team got to thinking: what if horses could text? At first glance, it seems like a perfect solution – most owners live a short drive from the barn, so being able to check in with their horse to make sure all’s well seems like a huge win. But, if I know horses, those sneaky equines would soon be abusing the power of instant messaging. Here’s how I think the texts your horse would send you would go…
32 texts your horse would send
1. “Excuse me, you’re late!”
Sent at 7:03 am. Here’s the thing, you’re normally at the barn by 7am sharp, but it just took you a couple extra minutes to open your eyes this morning. Unfortunately, your horse is an excellent timekeeper, and wants breakfast…
2. “Erm… do you have anything else?”
Having placed your horse’s bucket in front of them they spend a couple of seconds pushing their feed around with their nose before shooting you a highly unimpressed look. You might need to look for a tasty additive to tempt this fussy eater.
3. “You haven't left me any hay!”
You in fact did leave your horse plenty of hay, but he’s trampled it into his bedding and now it’s undetectable.
4. “Hold the ice, please!”
Uh-oh, your horse’s trough has frozen over on an unexpectedly chilly night! While it’s great your horse could let you know, it’s a shame the message has come through at 2am… horse ownership truly is 24/7!
5. “Can I swap paddocks?”
Your horse is green with envy after spotting a neighboring field with a lush carpet of grass – it’s definitely greener on the other side. It’s nice of them to ask rather than concoct their own moving plans.
5. “Actually, don’t worry – I’ll switch over myself”
Oh rats – spoke too soon, your horse has decided to make use of their showjumping skills and hop the electric fence into the grassy paradise next door.
7. “Something bit me!”
Your horse incurred a zap from the aforementioned fence. You’re just hoping they are the only ‘casualty’, and the fence hasn’t taken a hit. Destroyed in seconds, mended in hours!
8. “I'm being watched!”
An unknown animal, vegetable, or mineral has caught your horse’s eye. In classic prey animal style, your horse has labeled this anonymous entity a nuclear-level threat – they may well need rescuing.
9. “It’s scary out here, I want to come in!”
Windy conditions are notorious in the equine world – they give even the most innocuous objects a menacing air and a life of their own! Your horse sent you this message gripped with terror and needs you to shepherd them to the safety of the barn, make them comfortable and leave them happily munching on hay.
10. “Actually, can you let me out?”
You’re five minutes into your journey home when your horse sends you this. How can they be bored already? Now you’ve got to change their blanket again. Needless to say, they’ve certainly got some explaining to do.
11. “Sorry for the change of plans…”
Well, at least they’ve got the decency to apologise!
12. “I don’t think I need my blanket after all, can you come and take it off?”
In the excitement of going back out to pasture (the same pasture they so desperately wanted to escape 10 minutes ago) they’ve enjoyed a speedy gallop around the perimeter and come back to the gate overheated and in a total sweat.
13. “On second thought, I’ve managed to get it off myself”
Your sweaty, itchy horse has rolled repeatedly in the mud and somehow managed to wriggle out of their blanket. Neither they nor you can figure out how!
14. “And don’t be mad, but one of my shoes is missing…”
All that irresponsible charging around has loosened and dislodged a front shoe. Does your horse appreciate the scale of the admin and finance involved in fixing this problem?
First, you’ll have to call the farrier to see if they can squeeze in an appointment (even though your horse only had new shoes last week), juggle that unexpected engagement around work and plans, and figure out how you’re going to pay yet another shoeing bill. Perhaps no take-out Friday this week…
15. “Sorry, too busy to be caught!”
The good news is that the farrier is in the area and can shoe your horse right away. However, in all the excitement your horse is having far too much fun to be caught. It’s going to take you ages to get anywhere near your snorting beast and the farrier is 10 minutes away. You can’t keep them waiting when they’re doing you such a big favor!
16. “So, I heard what you said about me to Dave... Not cool!”
In your profuse apologies to the farrier after turning up late, you might have used some choice words to describe your horse and their behavior. In earshot, too.
17. “Dusty is really starting to get on my nerves…”
Your horse is Dusty’s best friend, but sadly the feeling isn’t mutual and she is unknowingly driving your horse up the wall. They plead with you to do something about it, and you faithfully oblige by haltering Dusty and bringing her into the barn.
18. “Nooooo, where are you taking Dusty?”
Turns out that wasn’t the right call, and your horse is horrifically lonely without their annoying pasture buddy. Talk about a love-hate relationship – yours had better come in, too!
19. “Thanks soooo much for this lovely clean bedding!”
At first, you’re really pleased your mucking out skills are appreciated, but your horse followed up with a message saying it made a great place to empty their bladder. What is it about horses and ruining a clean stall as soon as they set foot in there?
20. “There was loads of junk on my stall walls so I’ve pulled it all down for you”
Convenient storage space can be scarce at the barn, so lots of boarders take to using stall bars to secure horse boots to or insert a bar for hanging blankets accessibly. Today, your horse has taken it upon themself to strategically pull each item down and into his soon-to-be soiled bed. Sigh.
21. “OMG, my haynet’s empty!”
This seems suspicious, as you only said goodnight to your horse 45 minutes ago… you asked for more information.
22. “There’s literally nothing in it”
You ask your horse to send a picture and the haynet is full, but upon further investigation, your horse informs you it can’t be hay because it doesn’t “taste right”. Back to the barn, then!
23. “This is delicious!”
You emptied the hay onto the floor and now it’s a gourmet treat. Go figure.
24. “I know how you love mucking out, so I made the biggest mess I could for you!”
I mean, you do clean your horse’s stall every day, but it’s out of necessity, not because you relish the task. It’s sort of sweet that they think you do it for fun, though. You may need to break it to them...
25. “BTW, Buddy’s owner brought him a carrot this morning…”
This is your horse’s way of making it crystal clear that they won’t be doing anything without a bribe. Best see what you have in the refrigerator.
26. “Just an FYI it’s muddy out here, but I promise to be careful”
You were afraid of this. The pasture did look muddy when you led your horse out, but you sort of hoped they wouldn’t notice. And you’re not buying this whole ‘I’ll be careful’ nonsense.
27. “Are you planning on riding?”
There it is, you know something’s up. You reply ‘why do you ask?’
28. “No reason, but I hope you’re not in a rush”
This isn’t a good sign. You press them a little further…
29. “So, full disclosure – I’m covered in mud”
GREAT. You remind them that they have a competition tomorrow, and in 24 hours they will need to be spotlessly clean.
30. “I mean, you can bath me if you want, but you’ve got 20 minutes before I get bored”
Bathing a horse is like bathing a dog – it just takes 10 times longer. And with a bored, fidgety horse, you can probably expect to double the duration.
31. “We could always expand that window… if you can sweeten the deal”
This means treats, of course. While bribery isn’t ideal, time is not on your side. It’s time to raid the feed store for your equine’s favorite horse treats.
32. “Thank you for the treats. I love you soooooooo much”
Bath successfully executed (though you’re not sure who came out of it cleaner, you or them), your treat pocket is empty and your horse is spotless, blanketed, and unlikely to get dirty again unless they really mean it. But, looking at this text, you sort of don’t mind if they do – the love of a horse is the most precious gift. With a cute face like that, your horse could get away with murder!
